Sunday Snippets – Critique Blog Hop #5 (OIAM4)

Sunday_Snippets

To join the blog hop click here for the rules and how to ‘hop’ in.
Here’s to trying something new! I am participating in a critique blog hop. Every Sunday I will be adding 250 words of whatever work in progress I feel like I need help with at the time – don’t expect it to always be perfectly edited when it gets posted 🙂

(If you would like to leave a critique use Jennifer’s method:

  1. Use the Oreo Cookie method. Good-Bad-Good. You can say something nice about anything. There is no reason to be blatantly obnoxious.)

line

* I have not done any edits.

Reminder this is a contemporary romance novella – calling it One in a Million. This scene is from my hero’s POV. Nick, the hero is back at his sister’s, where he is staying for the moment. He was turned away from Angela in the previous chapter, because she didn’t want to risk her friendship with Rebecca. Does the dialogue work? The point to this scene is showing how Nick gets the job of picking Angela up on her date even though she kicked him to the curb.

Nick stomped up at down the hallway in front of his sister’s room. It was a reenactment of high school. He was mad as hell and didn’t have a clue how to get the words out. So instead he stomped.

“Nick what is your problem? You’re going to stomp a hole through my floor and then I am going to be mad.”

“Rebecca.  You’ve gone too far this time.” He paused and looked at her. She was standing in the doorframe with her hands on her hips. It was the familiar scolding stance. He was ready to start screaming at her. As the words formed on his lips he noticed that she was slouching and looked pale.

“Becs are you okay?  You look like crap.”

Rebecca rolled her eyes and promptly dropped her arms.  She slouched into the door frame. “Actually no.  I feel nauseous. But thanks for telling me I look like crap. You are so sensitive.”

“Well you do.  What am I supposed to do.  Sugarcoat it just because you’re my sister?”

Rebecca shook her head at him.  “No. That would be weird if you sugarcoated anything. Anyway.” He watched her raise her hand to her stomach. “What did I do this time?”

Nick eyed her. “Are you going to die on me?  I have my EMT license if you do.”

Another warranted eye roll. “Gee thanks. No. I am not going to die, but I might throw up on you if you don’t let me sit down soon.  So what is your problem this time? I should stop letting you stay with me if you’re going to be so moody all the time.”

line

In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued. Then everyone hops around to critique others. Don’t have a post of your own? We’d love a critique anyway! And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

– For last weeks entry click here

– Meet Angela here

*You may not copy or reproduce this post or any of it’s contents without permission from the author. This work is the original work of Michelle Ziegler.

Advertisements

Sunday Snippets -Critique Blog Hop Post #4 (OIAM3)

Sunday_Snippets

To join the blog hop click here for the rules and how to ‘hop’ in.
Here’s to trying something new! I am participating in a critique blog hop. Every Sunday I will be adding 250 words of whatever work in progress I feel like I need help with at the time – don’t expect it to always be perfectly edited when it gets posted 🙂

(If you would like to leave a critique use Jennifer’s method:

  1. Use the Oreo Cookie method. Good-Bad-Good. You can say something nice about anything. There is no reason to be blatantly obnoxious.)

line

* I have not done any edits.

Reminder this is a contemporary romance novella – calling it One in a Million. Based on feedback that thre was no ‘action’ I changed things a little.  Before I get too far I am trying to figure out if the issue was the wording or the whole excerpt.  This is the first POV from my hero and starts chapter 3.  It was added in response to an editor asking me to add more information before my hero goes to walk the heroine’s dog.  I had to add something in order to make the scene move the plot forward – I attempted to do that with why he’s stood by for years and just now getting around to making his move on the heroine.  

Restraining his hands from grabbing and bringing her back took a heck of a lot of effort. He wanted to come out and say it. He’d been attracted to her for years. He’d waited for the timing to be right. It never seemed to happen.

The sway of her hips brought back memories.  Watching her walk away had always entertained him, until she’d turned him down to his high school prom. His ego had taken quite the blow when she’d given him a lame excuse that he should be taking someone who wasn’t just a friend. He could remember it as if it were yesterday. He’d always thought the real reason  had something to do with Rebecca, but never had any proof.  His smile faded as he recalled the painful rejection.

Nick hadn’t been so excited about a date ever.  He’d played it cool because he was a guy, but inside his heart was beating as if he’d just run suicides up and down the football field. As he bounded up Angela’s front steps he couldn’t contain all his excitement. His cheeks ached from grinning- until Angela answered the door.

Nick still remembered her water filled eyes and how he desperately wanted to remove the pain. It was a stupid notion since the next minute her words ripped through him too. He couldn’t handle that kid of rejection again and he’d left any further advanced to her.

Nick scratched his chin.  It had been far too many years and he was tired of waiting.

 

 

line

In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued. Then everyone hops around to critique others. Don’t have a post of your own? We’d love a critique anyway! And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

*You may not copy or reproduce this post or any of it’s contents without permission from the author. This work is the original work of Michelle Ziegler.

Sunday Snippets -Critique Blog Hop #3

Sunday_Snippets

To join the blog hop click here for the rules and how to ‘hop’ in.
Here’s to trying something new! I am participating in a critique blog hop. Every Sunday I will be adding 250 words of whatever work in progress I feel like I need help with at the time – don’t expect it to always be perfectly edited when it gets posted 🙂

(If you would like to leave a critique use Jennifer’s method:

  1. Use the Oreo Cookie method. Good-Bad-Good. You can say something nice about anything. There is no reason to be blatantly obnoxious.)

line

* I have not done any edits.  With two kids I am not doing great on adjustment.

Reminder this is a contemporary romance novella – calling it One in a Million. I need some help with integrateing in the male characters thoughts. Here are his first 250 words in the story. Does it sound male?  Oh and is my ‘show’ getting better?

Nick wanted to grab Angela and shake her. He wanted to come out and say it. He’d been attracted to her for years. He’d waited for the timing to be right. It never actually seemed to come though.

In high school he had been positive she liked him until she’d turned him down to his Prom. His ego had taken quite the blow when she’d given him some lame excuse. He’d always thought it had something to do with Rebecca, but never had any proof. After that he’d left the ball in her court. He couldn’t handle another rejection like that.

Angela’s hips swayed as she walked away. A laugh caught in his throat as he watched her regain her composure from his words; her footsteps slowly become more sure as she walked away. Her reaction gave him a little more confidence that there was something between them. The care packages to him on deployment and the flirtatious e-mails and calls hadn’t hurt either.

Pickles the pug dog, he still couldn’t figure out the name, rubbed up against his shin and sneezed. “Thanks dog.” Pickles jumped on his hind legs and started dancing around.

“Angela? Does Pickles need to go out?”

Her head appeared from the kitchen doorway. “Oh. Yes. That’s his potty dance.”

Nick shook his head. “Potty dance?” He sighed. “Where is his leash? If you’re going to let me stay, I might as well take your dog out.” Nick turned around grabbing his boots. “Alright you sad excuse for a canine. Let’s go out.”

line

In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued. Then everyone hops around to critique others. Don’t have a post of your own? We’d love a critique anyway! And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

*You may not copy or reproduce this post or any of it’s contents without permission from the author. This work is the original work of Michelle Ziegler.

Sunday Snippets -Critique Blog Hop #2

Sunday_Snippets

To join the blog hop click here for the rules and how to ‘hop’ in.
Here’s to trying something new! I am participating in a critique blog hop. Every Sunday I will be adding 250 words of whatever work in progress I feel like I need help with at the time – don’t expect it to always be perfectly edited when it gets posted 🙂

(If you would like to leave a critique use Jennifer’s method:

  1. Use the Oreo Cookie method. Good-Bad-Good. You can say something nice about anything. There is no reason to be blatantly obnoxious.)

line

So here it goes. This is a contemporary romance novella. I need some help with integrateing in the male characters thoughts, so I am starting you off with the first 250 words to help me further in the story. For now call it One In a Million.

Angela turned her face away from the wind. The snow, which had been falling gently before her current disaster of a date, had turned into a blizzard when she had finally walked out. Now she was left standing outside the restaurant, praying that she didn’t freeze before her best friend, Rebecca, got there. Her skinny jeans and trendy flats left her ankles exposed, and Angela did her best flamingo imitation as she alternated lifting one frozen foot, then the other from the snow, trying to stave off frostbite. Shivering, she switched from frozen foot to frozen foot; playing executioner to each of her frost-bitten toes.

The night had been a learning experience to say the least. Nothing new, but her taste in men was as bad as ever. First Brian had attempted to find out what kind of underwear she was wearing. Then he had flat-out refused to drive her home in the snow. It really was too bad about the flaming hot fajitas. They had looked better on Brian’s plate than in his lap.

Attending the company’s New Year party with her boss’ nephew no longer looked like the worst idea in the world. Sure, the guy reeked of cigarettes and dressed like a refugee from the 1980s, but going with him would earn her points with her boss. Besides, she wasn’t exactly doing a great job finding someone herself. The set up’s needed to stop though, no matter how good intentioned her coworkers were.

line

In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued. Then everyone hops around to critique others. Don’t have a post of your own? We’d love a critique anyway! And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

*You may not copy or reproduce this post or any of it’s contents without permission from the author. This work is the original work of Michelle Ziegler.

Sunday Snippets -Critique Blog Hop #1

Sunday_Snippets

Here’s to trying something new! I am participating in a critique blog hop.  Every Sunday I will be adding 250 words of whatever work in progress I feel like I need help with at the time – don’t expect it to always be perfectly edited when it gets posted 🙂  This is a good time to give feedback.  I believe others are on their 8th post – click below to see other participants.

(If you would like to leave a critique use Jennifer’s method: 

  1. Use the Oreo Cookie method. Good-Bad-Good. You can say something nice about anything. There is no reason to be blatantly obnoxious.)

line

So here it goes.  This is a contemporary romance.  It has no title at the moment.  See what you think about the first 250 words!

Marci Adam’s was gripping the steering wheel too tight.   Her breathing was coming out a little quicker then appropriate for someone who just made a conscious life change.  Her forehead was pressed against the cold, hard, black plastic of the same steering wheel that she was clinging to as if her life depended on it.

“What did I just do?”  No one was going to answer her except for her dog, the dog that had eaten her last chip somewhere between the Maine border and her old life.  Heavy panting and the thwap, thwap of Stella’s tail was starting to wear on Marci’s last nerve.

“Stella, stop.  Please.  I beg you.”  She slowly turned her head to glance at the always perky black lab.  “When are you not loving life?  Seriously?  Spill your secret to life.  Right now I could really use it.”

The fact that Marci had just spent most of her savings on a bed and breakfast, that she had purchased at midnight on Craigslist, was starting to sit like a rock in her stomach.  Too bad the feeling was three days too late for her to run.  Taking a deep breath she stared at the odometer.  It might as well have read a million miles.  There was no turning around.  She hadn’t driven a hundreds of miles from Colorado to Maine just to turn around and give up.   She wasn’t admitting defeat and turning back into the arms of the fiancé she’d just left behind.

line

In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued. Then everyone hops around to critique others. Don’t have a post of your own? We’d love a critique anyway! And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

 

*You may not copy or reproduce this post or any of it’s contents without permission from the author.  This work is the original work of Michelle Ziegler.