Sunday Snippets -Critique Blog Hop Post #4 (OIAM3)

Sunday_Snippets

To join the blog hop click here for the rules and how to ‘hop’ in.
Here’s to trying something new! I am participating in a critique blog hop. Every Sunday I will be adding 250 words of whatever work in progress I feel like I need help with at the time – don’t expect it to always be perfectly edited when it gets posted 🙂

(If you would like to leave a critique use Jennifer’s method:

  1. Use the Oreo Cookie method. Good-Bad-Good. You can say something nice about anything. There is no reason to be blatantly obnoxious.)

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* I have not done any edits.

Reminder this is a contemporary romance novella – calling it One in a Million. Based on feedback that thre was no ‘action’ I changed things a little.  Before I get too far I am trying to figure out if the issue was the wording or the whole excerpt.  This is the first POV from my hero and starts chapter 3.  It was added in response to an editor asking me to add more information before my hero goes to walk the heroine’s dog.  I had to add something in order to make the scene move the plot forward – I attempted to do that with why he’s stood by for years and just now getting around to making his move on the heroine.  

Restraining his hands from grabbing and bringing her back took a heck of a lot of effort. He wanted to come out and say it. He’d been attracted to her for years. He’d waited for the timing to be right. It never seemed to happen.

The sway of her hips brought back memories.  Watching her walk away had always entertained him, until she’d turned him down to his high school prom. His ego had taken quite the blow when she’d given him a lame excuse that he should be taking someone who wasn’t just a friend. He could remember it as if it were yesterday. He’d always thought the real reason  had something to do with Rebecca, but never had any proof.  His smile faded as he recalled the painful rejection.

Nick hadn’t been so excited about a date ever.  He’d played it cool because he was a guy, but inside his heart was beating as if he’d just run suicides up and down the football field. As he bounded up Angela’s front steps he couldn’t contain all his excitement. His cheeks ached from grinning- until Angela answered the door.

Nick still remembered her water filled eyes and how he desperately wanted to remove the pain. It was a stupid notion since the next minute her words ripped through him too. He couldn’t handle that kid of rejection again and he’d left any further advanced to her.

Nick scratched his chin.  It had been far too many years and he was tired of waiting.

 

 

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In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued. Then everyone hops around to critique others. Don’t have a post of your own? We’d love a critique anyway! And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

*You may not copy or reproduce this post or any of it’s contents without permission from the author. This work is the original work of Michelle Ziegler.

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8 thoughts on “Sunday Snippets -Critique Blog Hop Post #4 (OIAM3)

  1. caitlinstern says:

    You have a couple typos here: kid for kind and advanced for advances. “He couldn’t handle that kid of rejection again and he’d left any further advanced to her.”

    This bit: “As he bounded up Angela’s front steps he couldn’t contain all his excitement. His cheeks ached from grinning- until Angela answered the door.” is still flashback, right? From him asking her to prom? Because it feels like the present because he’s in her home now.

    If she was crying before he asked her to prom, I’m confused as to why. If she was crying when he came to visit her in the present, I’m guessing the ‘why’ will be answered later.

    Seems like the re-arranging could work, except for the fact that I got lost. Sounds like he wants to save her and prove she was wrong to reject him. Definitely a good set up for plenty of conflict and angst and eventual romance!

  2. jamieayres says:

    I’m intrigued with your story. I love a hero who’s ready to take action! Watch out for passive voice. I know we all get tired of hearing this . . . SNT 🙂

    • M. Ziegler says:

      Darn the passive voice!!!! I will have to re read it and take out the issues. Thanks for the reminder. I should build an editing list for when I do have time to write 🙂

  3. Pingback: Jennifer M Eaton

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