Sunday Snippets -Critique Blog Hop #3

Sunday_Snippets

To join the blog hop click here for the rules and how to ‘hop’ in.
Here’s to trying something new! I am participating in a critique blog hop. Every Sunday I will be adding 250 words of whatever work in progress I feel like I need help with at the time – don’t expect it to always be perfectly edited when it gets posted 🙂

(If you would like to leave a critique use Jennifer’s method:

  1. Use the Oreo Cookie method. Good-Bad-Good. You can say something nice about anything. There is no reason to be blatantly obnoxious.)

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* I have not done any edits.  With two kids I am not doing great on adjustment.

Reminder this is a contemporary romance novella – calling it One in a Million. I need some help with integrateing in the male characters thoughts. Here are his first 250 words in the story. Does it sound male?  Oh and is my ‘show’ getting better?

Nick wanted to grab Angela and shake her. He wanted to come out and say it. He’d been attracted to her for years. He’d waited for the timing to be right. It never actually seemed to come though.

In high school he had been positive she liked him until she’d turned him down to his Prom. His ego had taken quite the blow when she’d given him some lame excuse. He’d always thought it had something to do with Rebecca, but never had any proof. After that he’d left the ball in her court. He couldn’t handle another rejection like that.

Angela’s hips swayed as she walked away. A laugh caught in his throat as he watched her regain her composure from his words; her footsteps slowly become more sure as she walked away. Her reaction gave him a little more confidence that there was something between them. The care packages to him on deployment and the flirtatious e-mails and calls hadn’t hurt either.

Pickles the pug dog, he still couldn’t figure out the name, rubbed up against his shin and sneezed. “Thanks dog.” Pickles jumped on his hind legs and started dancing around.

“Angela? Does Pickles need to go out?”

Her head appeared from the kitchen doorway. “Oh. Yes. That’s his potty dance.”

Nick shook his head. “Potty dance?” He sighed. “Where is his leash? If you’re going to let me stay, I might as well take your dog out.” Nick turned around grabbing his boots. “Alright you sad excuse for a canine. Let’s go out.”

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In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued. Then everyone hops around to critique others. Don’t have a post of your own? We’d love a critique anyway! And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

*You may not copy or reproduce this post or any of it’s contents without permission from the author. This work is the original work of Michelle Ziegler.

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12 thoughts on “Sunday Snippets -Critique Blog Hop #3

  1. Jennifer M Eaton says:

    Overall the writing in this is pretty good.

    This particular combination needs to be reviesd — Angela’s hips swayed as she walked away. A laugh caught in his throat as he watched her regain her composure from his words; her footsteps slowly become more sure as she walked away. — Because both sentences end in the same clause.

    While the writing is good, I don’t think this is really an opening page. Nothing “happens”. I’d tray to make the opening more active rather than leaving it with so much introspection.

    Good luck!

  2. Let's CUT the Crap! says:

    I had trouble with this sentence. It read a little awkward. I had to read it a couple of times before realizing this was about a dog. I wonder in place of the commas, after dog and name, if you replaced them with ‘–‘ the meaning might be clearer.
    “Pickles the pug dog, he still couldn’t figure out the name, rubbed up against his shin…”

  3. caitlinstern says:

    There isn’t a lot happening here, I agree with Jennifer. These are “his” first words, you say, so not the beginning. And I’m guessing whatever he says to her is in “her” part.

    Maybe:

    “Nick wanted to grab Angela and shake her. A laugh caught in his throat as he watched her regain her composure from his words; her footsteps slowly become more sure as she walked away. Her reaction gave him a little more confidence…”

    Or something shorter like that, and you can work in the Prom and Rebecca later. You know, that underlying tension to dialogue you get when there’s issues no one’s actually talking about.

    Love the dog! And the “if you’re going to let me stay” line.

  4. Pingback: Jennifer M Eaton

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