Sunday Snippets – Critique Blog Hop #5 (OIAM4)

Sunday_Snippets

To join the blog hop click here for the rules and how to ‘hop’ in.
Here’s to trying something new! I am participating in a critique blog hop. Every Sunday I will be adding 250 words of whatever work in progress I feel like I need help with at the time – don’t expect it to always be perfectly edited when it gets posted 🙂

(If you would like to leave a critique use Jennifer’s method:

  1. Use the Oreo Cookie method. Good-Bad-Good. You can say something nice about anything. There is no reason to be blatantly obnoxious.)

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* I have not done any edits.

Reminder this is a contemporary romance novella – calling it One in a Million. This scene is from my hero’s POV. Nick, the hero is back at his sister’s, where he is staying for the moment. He was turned away from Angela in the previous chapter, because she didn’t want to risk her friendship with Rebecca. Does the dialogue work? The point to this scene is showing how Nick gets the job of picking Angela up on her date even though she kicked him to the curb.

Nick stomped up at down the hallway in front of his sister’s room. It was a reenactment of high school. He was mad as hell and didn’t have a clue how to get the words out. So instead he stomped.

“Nick what is your problem? You’re going to stomp a hole through my floor and then I am going to be mad.”

“Rebecca.  You’ve gone too far this time.” He paused and looked at her. She was standing in the doorframe with her hands on her hips. It was the familiar scolding stance. He was ready to start screaming at her. As the words formed on his lips he noticed that she was slouching and looked pale.

“Becs are you okay?  You look like crap.”

Rebecca rolled her eyes and promptly dropped her arms.  She slouched into the door frame. “Actually no.  I feel nauseous. But thanks for telling me I look like crap. You are so sensitive.”

“Well you do.  What am I supposed to do.  Sugarcoat it just because you’re my sister?”

Rebecca shook her head at him.  “No. That would be weird if you sugarcoated anything. Anyway.” He watched her raise her hand to her stomach. “What did I do this time?”

Nick eyed her. “Are you going to die on me?  I have my EMT license if you do.”

Another warranted eye roll. “Gee thanks. No. I am not going to die, but I might throw up on you if you don’t let me sit down soon.  So what is your problem this time? I should stop letting you stay with me if you’re going to be so moody all the time.”

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In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued. Then everyone hops around to critique others. Don’t have a post of your own? We’d love a critique anyway! And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

– For last weeks entry click here

– Meet Angela here

*You may not copy or reproduce this post or any of it’s contents without permission from the author. This work is the original work of Michelle Ziegler.

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5 thoughts on “Sunday Snippets – Critique Blog Hop #5 (OIAM4)

  1. Let's CUT the Crap! says:

    I like the dialogue. Sounds crisp and natural. Nice.

    In the first paragraph, stomped appears twice and stomp show up again in the next short paragraph.

    Third last paragraph, “Rebecca shook her head at him.” I don’t think you need ‘at him’. Also if she feeling weak in the stomach, she wouldn’t shake it too hard, eh?

  2. Jennifer M Eaton says:

    I’m not so sure the dialog is as crisp at Terri thinks it is, but that my be just my opinion. To be honest, I was so distracted by the “tell” that I couldn’t focus on the dialog. I think you need to go back a d work on that first.

    Once you get down to showing the scene better, the dialog may just fall in line. To do this, try rewriting the entire scene without using the word “was” or “looked” or “felt” this will be a huge step in the right direction. Concentrat on how it feels rather than how it “was”.

    GIve it a shot and see what you come up with. (I understand this is unedited, and this may be the reason for all the “was” statements)

    Good luck!

  3. Pingback: Jennifer M Eaton

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