Sunday Snippets -Critique Blog Hop #2

Sunday_Snippets

To join the blog hop click here for the rules and how to ‘hop’ in.
Here’s to trying something new! I am participating in a critique blog hop. Every Sunday I will be adding 250 words of whatever work in progress I feel like I need help with at the time – don’t expect it to always be perfectly edited when it gets posted 🙂

(If you would like to leave a critique use Jennifer’s method:

  1. Use the Oreo Cookie method. Good-Bad-Good. You can say something nice about anything. There is no reason to be blatantly obnoxious.)

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So here it goes. This is a contemporary romance novella. I need some help with integrateing in the male characters thoughts, so I am starting you off with the first 250 words to help me further in the story. For now call it One In a Million.

Angela turned her face away from the wind. The snow, which had been falling gently before her current disaster of a date, had turned into a blizzard when she had finally walked out. Now she was left standing outside the restaurant, praying that she didn’t freeze before her best friend, Rebecca, got there. Her skinny jeans and trendy flats left her ankles exposed, and Angela did her best flamingo imitation as she alternated lifting one frozen foot, then the other from the snow, trying to stave off frostbite. Shivering, she switched from frozen foot to frozen foot; playing executioner to each of her frost-bitten toes.

The night had been a learning experience to say the least. Nothing new, but her taste in men was as bad as ever. First Brian had attempted to find out what kind of underwear she was wearing. Then he had flat-out refused to drive her home in the snow. It really was too bad about the flaming hot fajitas. They had looked better on Brian’s plate than in his lap.

Attending the company’s New Year party with her boss’ nephew no longer looked like the worst idea in the world. Sure, the guy reeked of cigarettes and dressed like a refugee from the 1980s, but going with him would earn her points with her boss. Besides, she wasn’t exactly doing a great job finding someone herself. The set up’s needed to stop though, no matter how good intentioned her coworkers were.

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In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued. Then everyone hops around to critique others. Don’t have a post of your own? We’d love a critique anyway! And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

*You may not copy or reproduce this post or any of it’s contents without permission from the author. This work is the original work of Michelle Ziegler.

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17 thoughts on “Sunday Snippets -Critique Blog Hop #2

  1. ajnuest says:

    Hi Michelle! First, love that banner on your blog. LOL I opened the web page and was all… “Oooo, cool.” I think this 250 is outstanding. I feel like I already know Angela. Love how you worked in the dumping of the fajitas, and that flamingo analogy is outstanding. I could totally see her standing outside the restaurant in the snow so your show is spot on. The only thing that I noticed is that the last sentence of the first paragraph sorta repeats the shifting/lifting of her feet. I would delete that sentence — maybe work in the executioner bit in the previous one so the foot repeat is removed. Other than that, I loved it. Whoot! This is another blog hop I wanna do next week! LOL

    • M. Ziegler says:

      Thanks for the suggestion, i’ll get that fixed. I have to admit I’ve had some good help to get this story where it is in regards to tightening up the story and removing my evil nemesis the ‘tell’. I hope I can carry that through. Thanks so much for stopping by!! I really appreciate your opinion. Where did you find time to read my blog and do what you do anyway! Thanks again!

  2. caitlinstern says:

    Oh, I feel her pain! Right away you have me empathizing with your narrator. I get cold all the time, and do all sorts of awkward things to stay warm.
    I’m missing what she’s wearing on her torso, and doing with her arms, though. You’ve got some funny and detailed description, so I wouldn’t need much, just a mention of hands stuffed into jacket pockets, or tucked into her armpits…
    The fajitas! *laugh*
    Was Brian her pick, or a co-workers? For some reason, I really want to know. The ”her taste in men hadn’t improved” makes me think Angela picked him, but the “the set-up’s had to stop” makes me think co-workers.

  3. Let's CUT the Crap! says:

    This is outstanding, “It really was too bad about the flaming hot fajitas. They had looked better on Brian’s plate than in his lap.” Easy situation to empathized with main character.

    I feel so cold,I wonder why the poor thing didn’t wait inside the restaurant, watching out the door. Brrrr.

    • M. Ziegler says:

      Hmm… well I guess for me I wouldn’t wait inside where some creepy guy lurked – or other people could stare at me after ruining someone’s dinner and pants. That or it just didn’t make as good of a story 🙂 I’ll see if there is a sentence I can add. Thanks!!

  4. Jennifer M Eaton says:

    You have a really strong voice in this, and it starts off great. The only blaring problem in the beginning is the passive tense. Try to rewrite and remove all of it if you can.

    Near the end, starting with “Attending the company’s New Year party with her boss’ ” to the end of the segment, you fall into a tell loop. This is a classic info dump, and I’m drawn to skim it to find out what is going on NOW. After all, you just got us all cringing about her poor freezing toes!

    Happy editing!

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